Your going into my mind...

(This is an excerpt from my School of the Heart Journal from like 2 years ago, I scribbled down my thoughts exactly the way I thought them.)
March 20th 2003
I was just taking a shower and the scripture about how God has created each of us unique in His own image and it brought up a association with my childhood thought that we were only unique in physical features. I was only about ten years old at the time so I was still quite naïve and my basis for that theory was created out of Marine Corps manuals that I had been reading. I saw how an army of individuals could be turned into a army of one, thinking, acting, and responding the same, with the proper training. I associated the training or boot camp of the army kind of like the sum of our life’s experience. There for if someone lived the exact same life as me, had every experience I had in the same way, they would be identical to my persona. But as I started to believe what others said about each being completely unique, although they did not have a factual basis for that belief.

So now I am faced again with this question of who we are. Are we simply made up of our likes and dislikes, our thoughts and the way we process them, our associations, our actions and reactions, our past history(which in it’s self creates all of those things, or lastly the sum of all of those things? But if we are any of those things then none of our personas are unique because we have the possibility, even though it is more remote then the Big Bang theory, of being exactly the same as someone else. Some argue that they can see differences in babies, but babies are receiving experiences even as fetus, so they to are not completely unique. So does God give us 10% of who we are and the rest is made up of life’s experiences? That would mean we are completely unique because the 10% of us would completely reflect our filters on our life’s experiences, there would be infinite possibilities on who we become. But I dismiss this because it is simply inefficient. So then I thought, what if God gave us a 100% unique persona? That would mean that our life’s experiences do not mold and shape who we are, they merely create beliefs within us on who we are and then we begin to live those beliefs, wither they be lies or the truth. There for not our life’s experience but our belief of our life’s experiences determines who we think we are and our likes and dislikes, our actions and reactions, etc… Yes, my mind is content with this answer, and I some how feel my heart knew this all along but I just haven’t contemplated it all the way through since I was ten. Lol, I’m always saying things along this line to others but never this thought directly.

(Writing that out of my journal just spawned a new thought, so I’m just gunna start typing as I think)

I’m thinking of destiny, how everyone says so many people die without reaching their destiny. For some reason I have never believed this, maybe because I have never contemplated the reasoning behind this. I believe that we are predestined, not the Calvinist form of it, to die at a certain time and place, having had the chance to accept Christ. Thos who did were predestined to be in Heaven and those who didn’t were predestined to hell, not because God chose that as their destiny but because they chose not to accept Him and He knew they would choose that before they were even born. So in this we retain our free will, and at the same time we are predestined. Because of this reasoning I can’t stand hearing people moan about how someone died at such a young age and how they could’ve done so much more in life. God knew when they were going to die, He gave them their chance to accept Him, they accomplished what He knew they would, so why are you moaning? My resentment here my lie in the fact that I do not believe death to be the ultimate evil, but a blessing for those who know God and the beginning of the curse of those who don’t. What does crying over it accomplish. Pray that we meet them soon if they are in heaven enjoying themselves or pray that some sort of mercy would be extended to them if they are in hell. Oh God please I beg you to have some pity on those poor beings, I don’t even have the faintest idea of how horrible a place it is, but I know that I wouldn’t even want someone who was to torture me to go there. Oh God, guide my hands so that I may save some from that place. Ok, I’m back, lol anytime I think of hell I get the shivers and want to pray for people… The predestined thing also goes along with my view that we are immortal and invincible while we walk on God’s path for us until we complete are mission for being here and then we die. I know I know, we all have some huge destiny and not all of us make it and some don’t even touch it before they die, I just like to disillusion my self about this because of my lack of drive to accomplish things anymore. I used to be driven by fear of authority and perfectionism, but now I am content to rest in Papa’s arms and not do what is to tough for me right now. But then shame and fear whisper in my ear that I’m not doing enough and I’m not fulfilling my destiny, but I say to them, “ who cares, as long as I’m in Papa’s arms and I’m helping people find Him it’s all good”. One day I know I’ll be able to face my destiny with the drive that I need, but I’m thinking I’ll have a lady along side me helping me out with it.

Yeah yeah I know that was a rather chaotic last bit, but hey that’s the way my mind works. Hehe…