Internal Conflict...

Lately I’ve been in this indirect introverted meditation state. It’s wasn’t even until last night that I noticed the extent of how far I had pulled myself in. An old friend showed up at the meeting last night and managed to snap me out of it. She brought back a lot of memories from when I was like 12 or 13. I was so active then, always outside doing something, usually torturing my sister and her friends. But the past two weeks I guess I’ve pulled myself away from everything, I still hang out with people and do things but it’s like I won’t allow any attachment what so ever with my heart because I’ve been reevaluating everything in which I believe and hold as righteous and just, and every thing good and evil. Trying to find out the truth, my mind always tells me in doing this I will exterminate even more of my flaws. But what is knowledge with out application, or truth without a medium for it to work in. Life is not solely in my head, it is within my heart and actions as well. I always seem to forget that later part though and make myself satisfied with life within contemplations. No… it’s not like I forget it’s that I remember the hurt and the mistakes that come with action and emotional attachments. Hehe... but what is the sense of life with out living, with out taking risk and chances. I go in circles with this over and over, I fear mistakes, but at the same time acknowledge that I am human. I’ve come to a awesome level of acceptance devoid of being influenced by outside interference, people, peer pressure, and other childish things like those and I am really beginning to conquer my greatest and most feared critic of all, myself. My mind tells me if something is broken throw it away, if something doesn’t work efficiently then let it go, but my heart tells me to cherish and love everything and everyone that I touch. I think it’s time to follow my heart more…